Praying quite hard.

Anyone else applied to uni a bit late? I've gone tits up about everything like I usually do and made things a bit awkward...

Anyway, Got to brighten up a bit, so hence the above image.

Good day!

Things just got worse.

Tuesday 31st August was the day I got up for work - but ended up in A&E with severe stomach pains. This then lead to at least 3 days of fasting and slowly dying due to starvation. Then, at 12am, 5th September I was taken into theatre, shaking ridiculously and tears strolling down my face in the anaesthetic room. Don't know why because I'd done it 3 times before! Woke up half dead in Recovery without my voice. Then when given the option to eat, I couldn't. Mum collected me and brought me home 7th September, moaning about some rumours she heard about me. As if that's what I needed as soon as I come out of hospital. The next day she tells me the same news and has a go at me. So I write an angry letter and we make friends.

Since, I've had to stay in the house with just my mum and no one else. Fed up and stressed out. Mum comes home from work today in a shit mood and it all gets taken out on me. We end up rowing and I storm up to my room in tears and haven't been down since 3pm. It's now 7.20pm. I hate this. I'm desperate to move out...

Desperate for change.

now playing: Until the Day I Die by Story of the Year.

I'm desperate for a change. I want to do something that will change my life, and others' too. I want to make an impact - something that will please and fulfil people. I'm already bored with the same old working pace. I know I just sound lazy, but if I could play my guitar for the rest of my life and live comfortably, I would. Just live off music for good, sing my heart out no matter how badly I sound.

I like to think there's a little musician inside of me that is desperate to break free and just say "fuck you" to the world.

She prays for answers

An inkling of an image into the future

To plan ahead and play safe

But it's not what she wants

Truly

She would shine brighter than the sun

Leaving trails where she had come from

Never forgetting her roots, but letting them grow

Twining and holding the hearts of loved ones

Billie the Beauty.

now playing: The Club is Alive by JLS.

Bad song, I know. I just like a good beat sometimes! It's better that watching the documentary about brainwashing that my mum is fixing her concentration on right now. And I'm just in love with my iPod. I don't know where I'd be without any music and it's devices. I would lead a pretty dull life. The powerful lyrics of Billie Joe Armstrong and his men are just enough to keep me going in life and give me the courage to give the world and "Eff you" every once in a while. That man is a genius, an inspiration. He definitely deserves the name of Rock God of the 21st Century. Plus he is quite the fitty. The simple chords that he can put together to form the most catchy, most heart satisfying melodies are the work of a pure angel :)

You may also notice from the pic that I had my fringe cut for £1. Can't say they did a bad job.

I'm back and free :)

Well, this is me looking a bit professionally shit, but so happy I can finally relax when I get home without feeling guilty that I ain't revising. I can now do my favourite thing on a night - sit in my armchair and spend hours on my laptop :)

So yeah, the main reason for the time away was due to revision, not that much got done. I was so hard to even get my eyes to read the material. I like to think the exams asked the right questions.

Still have general studies and my finance resit but they're nothing. Happy days, we're going all the way! That's a song lyric btw...

Oh! And I'm also so happy as Nadal won today, and Federer won yesterday! Wimbledon is kicking in, and yet again, I'm too busy working to watch the daytime games. I guess I won't see a full Wimbledon season until I retire. Maybe I might be rich enough by then to get some tickets :P

Ah well, as long as Andy Murray gets his arse whipped baaaaadly. He deserves to gte my foot planted in his face.

G'night!

Better Things...

now playing: Big Brother

And tbh, thank goodness it's the last one! Was getting a bit old. I swear the audience only go there to boo the participant people things...

Things are better since I was last on here. Mum is still having her moods, but I've learned to shrug them off. It's like I can't cry anymore which is weird cause all I ever used to do was cry at anything. Maybe I'm actually starting to grown up?

I have a friend who has serious mental heath issues. To the point where people have considered sectioning him. He's like a best friend to me, and spending time with him has made me realise I have no reason to complain about my life. Every night he makes himself bleed. Obviously, this kills me. All I can do is tell him to call or text me when he feels like self-harming, and I will try and talk to him about other things and take him mind off it. It probably won't work, but I can't just sit back and not do anything.

Anyway, I'm sure he will get everything he wants in life :)

Peace (and a headache).

now playing: Music Or the Misery by Fall Out Boy

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

Mum just seems to want to put everything about my and my boyfriend down. If she doesn't like him why doesn't she just come out and say it instead of being an arse. One minute she speaks so highly or him and then next she puts him down. But I think for once, I'm going to go with what I want instead of doing stuff to keep her happy. I just know in time she will start hinting that I need to split up with him. Unless there's a good reason, she can get lost. I'm 18, and she can leave me alone now.

Her moods have been vile recently. I know we have troubles, but there's ways of dealing with it without dragging other people down with you. I'm sick of feeling trapped by her and crying every time she goes off on one. And she like to get answers. I'm not justifying myself. She should just leave me to my own devices, otherwise things are gonna go bad like last time...

I was about 14, the worst age for a growing girl. I befriended a lot of people and became one of them, known as the "moshers" hanging around Wakefield cathedral ever Saturday afternoon without fail. We weren't bad people, we just didn't get a lot done - in this case, it was school work that was neglected. This, for a person who has to revise at least 50 hours to pass an exam, was diabolical. Me and mum had our first ever fights, she couldn't talk to me without me being awful to her - all because she wouldn't give me space. That's all I needed. It got to the point where I attempted to run away from home, until someone saw me at the top of my street.

Now, yet again, she's suffocating me. What she's forgetting is that I am a "woman" now, and I can do what I want in a sense. I don't have to do what she wants to keep her happy. I could move out if I wanted. but yet she still tries to hold me down. I'm not going to cry because of her anymore.

I know this is awful stuff to say or think, but the anger has to come out at some point right? Meant to express your feelings? Apparently I ain't allowed to do that either. Anyway, the chances of her reading this are extremely slim since she's not a computer person.

I need to get away.